I dont know how much more pain i can handle.

Today was one of the worse day of my life. Me and my friends planned to meet at our friend house at 1. After i ended school, i called my bro. Asking him to help me to give come clues to her. We joked and joked till i arrived at my friend house. When i arrived i waked my friend up. Shortly after she came. She didnt came alone. But with her boyfriend. I was shocked. Really shocked. My heart felt as though it has broken into many pieces, unable to fix it back. I immediately whatsapp my bro. This is our convo:

Me: "Dont need help liao"
Me: " She got bf liao."
Him: " Want cry bo?"
Me: " I want cry but cannot cry here."
Him:  " Call me asap."

After i called him, he asked me to wait for him at the bus stop since he is on the way to our friend house. After i went to fetch my friend, we went to our friend house where when we reached there. Both her and her boyfriend went off. Shortly after i received a message from her which brought me to tears.

Her: "Rauf, i know you like me. But i dont. I always wanted to tell you buy cannot bring myself to say it. Sorry."

When i received that message i broke down. I literary broke. At that moment i couldn't hold on my tears. I cried on the spot. I couldnt take it. Sigh. Why does this always happens to me? Why do people keep using me or playing around with me. Hey, i am human too. I have feelings. I just want to feel loved again. Something i lost ages ago. The sense to feel love. Thats why sometimes i am emotionless. I repeat events when i pass by some places its because i store all those memories. Not because i am bored. Memories is what keeps me going on and on.

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A long time since update.

A alot of things has happened these few weeks. There are alot of things to be talked but i will talk mainly on these 2 weeks of my life.

Week 1:
Pretty much nothing has happened. I have fallen for a friend but i am scared to tell her. I am scared that i cannot take the rejection if its failed. I just continue my life while adoring her. Our standard is to meet up during lunchtime, slack till like about 2, send her to class and off back to my class. Once her class is done we would meet up and go to Hougang mall where we further slack. As we were slacking she would always tell me about herself and rarely asked about me. Which i find it strange. Usually we hang around in the arcade playing Maximum Tune. During the weekends we would just text each other and we changed our whatsapp picture because we failed to answer a question. We changed to a psyduck haha! We then keep sending voice message to each other telling each other how funny it is to see 2 similar psyducks talking to each other.

Week 2:
Monday seems fine. Although i am about stressed about school. She is always there to make me smile :)
Tuesday we went to sunshine plaza to print out my FYP poster. We arrived at Bras Basah and we got lost on the way to the shop to meet my friend. The funny thing is that my friend said he would wait for us at the carpark of Bencoolen Hotel. Well we got lost on the way there. So we asked some people for directions. Imagine. 1 guy and 1 girl asking people directions to the hotel. It was awkward for us. Well my friend finally told us that he will be waiting us at the shop instead. Lucky that awkwardness was over for us otherwise people might think wrong. We went to the shop and waited for the poster to be printed out. We played many games including FunRun. I sort of got closer to her and my friend suspects that we were an item. But sadly we arent a couple. :( After printing both me and her went to Bugis+ to go for some window shopping. We agreed on getting a baseball jacket. One for me and one for her. Both is in blue and white color. Awww. We even thought of getting a similar shirt. After some window shopping we took a bus to slack with our friends. Inside the bus we keep talking to each other and i felt that we maybe by chance can be an item. Well next day(which is yesterday) we went to our usual routine but as we were slacking during lunchtime, we met a few other friends. When we were slacking, a fight erupted. We wanted to ignore it, but seeing as its one of her friends who got into a fight(which was a couple fight) we were kinda pulled to it as one of them got punched for nothing. Well we went to try and resolve the problem. After resolving the problem we went back slacking. And one of them asked if both me and her were getting along. She told him that we were best friends( Awwshit friendzoned :( ) I didnt take the comment too seriously as i am kinda a nice guy. Then we went to my friends house to slack. Now our friends house became our slacking place haha! Well today i was dam upset because of a few things that happened. One. She was late for our meeting (Which was acceptable). Two. My teacher kpkb over my test timing and i got dam angry because she was waiting for me at outside school. I told her to meet my friend and go slack at our friend house. After my test i went to his house. On the way there i kept overthinking about stuffs.. I dont know why but i keep overthinking till i teared over the outcome. I didnt really talked at there. Then i went back home and wrote this which is like a diary which i long time never update.

Thank you for listening. Have a good day.

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HELP ME!

Hey guys. Its me. Its like 3.27am right now and i am still not asleep. Not that i am overnighting or something. Its that i have been crying these whole time. Every night i cry and cry and cry. Wishing that things would be better. No more Jealousy. No more torture, No more pain. Just plain happiness. But i know its impossible to make all those gone. I have nowhere to go except to stay in my room and face the computer all day. I face the computer to get rid of all these shit that has happened so far. Some of you guys know i am having X sickness which requires me to be at least happy. But the truth is I am never happy. For those of you who have seen me happy/laughing, its all fake. I am sorry. I didnt mean to. The last time i was happy was when i was sec 1. From Sec 2 till now i am never happy. I am in all worries. Over-thinking, Thoughts of suicidal, cutting myself. To be honest. I give up on everything. Everything from gaming to programming from happiness to love. Everything. I lost hope. I lost.... Everything. I don't even know who i am anymore. I don't even know whats my purpose in this cruel world anymore. And why is everything against me? My friends and all. Everything is against me. Criticizing me. Making fun of me. Bullying me. Whatever they did i just absorb and absorb. Not letting go. People compliment me. I absorb. But mostly are criticizing me. Its rare that i get complimented. I don't have a heart anymore. I don't even have a soul. I am an empty human walking around aimlessly and absorbing things that happened around me. I just need something or someone to help me get back. The thing is who. I dont know who. I gave up on finding one. Sigh. Pathetic me. I am just useless.

I hate my life :(

Goodbye everyone :'( 

Sigh..

PLEASE I NEED TO THINK HAPPY STUFFS! :(

its 3.27 when i started writing this

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What am i thinking right now.

Hi guys, i will now tell you what i am going to feel right now.

The window is open, i am living in the 13th floor. I went to the kitchen and look down the window. The views great. 12 levels till the ground. Great height. I took a deep breath. And put my leg on the ledge of the window. I sat there, looking at the opposite block. And also looked down the 12 floors down. I thought to myself. Should i? Its at night and no one can see. The kitchen light is also off so i am camouflaged. I thought and thought and thought. Half of me wanted to go back inside. The other half wanted me to end it all. As i was looking outside, i hallucinated a white figure asking me to jump. My friend texted me saying not to jump. I looked out of the window for another 10 minutes. And suddenly everything turned dark. Next thing i was on the floor. Bleeding from head to toe. I was smiling. Then i woke up, still at the window ledge, thinking to myself: " Yes or No?". Then suddenly my friend grabbed me from behind and drop me on the kitchen floor and punched me. Asking me to snap out of it.... I am still thinking, Should i jump or not?

I really need someone. Someone to snap it out of it and to end it all.

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Something that i would ever dare to say it out.

Sometimes there are thing that i don't dare say out. Things like i cry everyday. Some might ask. "Wait what? Rauf cry? "

The answer is Yes. I cry. I cry because i care too much, I cry because i am too angry, I cry because i am to open. I also cry because i love too much. Some might ask why you cry and how come i don't see you. The answer is i tend to hide my feelings from other people and cover them with fake feelings. No one knows what i am feeling most of the time. Whether i am happy or sad or even down. Cause most of the times i cover my feelings. I am scared of opening up my feelings. I am scared cause i might hurt those around me. I have hurt a lot of people around me and i don't want to hurt more people. When i hurt people i would cut myself off people who talk to me and cry for what i have done. Some would call me crybaby or whatsoever. i don't care. I cry to express my feelings. Only which feeling...

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Long time update + Questions people asked me before.

Hi guys, Its been long since i updated this blog. Sigh i know i have not been blogging much and its because i am busy. What have i been busy with? Well simple. School. Nothing else. Okay maybe a thing or two? Or three or four? I don't know. All i know is that i  have been busy. 

Some might ask, Busy? Why are you gaming when you say you are busy?

Well lets get back to that question later. Busy cause i have been programing c#, java, python, and all those other shits. 

Why have i been gaming? 

Well simply to say its a way for me to get rid of my social life and stuffs. I could be anything in the gaming world. Per se, i could be playing as an archer class. Killing mobs and joining guilds, or maybe being a warrior class and leading everyone. Whichever it is, its heaven to me. 

Heaven to what? 

Well heaven to escape from reality. Reality of not fitting anywhere, Reality of not being able to make myself useful, Reality from relationships. Reality form everything. 

What relationship problems? I thought you already have a Girlfriend? 

Well no. It was an on and off relationship and i couldn't be bothered by her attitude. And quite a couple of days ago, she went and confronted someone. Lets name that someone X. And my ex-girlfriend, Y. Well Y went to confront X cause she wanted to be with me. I didn't want to be back with Y. And i don't really want to know what both of them talked to each other all i know that i am supposed to "fight" her brother in order to settle this out. The deal was that Whoever wins gets me. I didn't want to trouble anyone so i went alone( Although i said i got people coming with me). I was enough to fight against them. So on that day, i went down to "ABC" place and fought 2 vs 1. I won cause i punched her brother hard till he beg me to stop. The other person did light damage to me. Guess he was a nice guy and thought that a 2 vs 1 was unfair. So technically i would go for the leader first, which i did. And won. From there on, Y left me alone. Hopefully that Y won't come back begging to me again. 

Why did you even steady with Y if you don't want her back?

Simple, I was stupid at that time and went to agreed to steady with her. So from there on, we went on and on and on. 

So what are your plans now?

Well simple. Game and Game and Game. There is nothing for me to do now. Except to game. There's this one person which i mention before somewhere in my previous post which is : "http://raufnikololi.blogspot.sg/2012/03/this-is-for-her.html"  Why do i game so much? I dont remember replying to her that. Well simply to say, I am bored of my life and there is nothing for me to do here. I have been hurt and hurt and hurt a lot of times. I started to care for a certain someone which i truly love. Well finally someone who i really love. I don't know how it happened i got hurt a lot because of it. Love hurts i know. But because i keep hurting myself, i chose to absorb the pain and just move on thinking that its just short crush and continue gaming. I really don't know anything about love. Well because of that also i am shy to continue it. Some of you might say its wasted. Well i say its regret. Regret that i let my shyness took over myself. Regret that i wish i could restart it all over again. Regret because its regret. 

I dont want to name anyone here. Cause i dont want to hurt them

too tired of life.

i regret everything and want to start  it all over again. 

when all hope is lost, game on.

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Update on me.

What has happened to me recently?  Well i was too heartbrokened to update this blog.  What happened was a long story and i am going to tell you part of it.

We were a perfect couple together with no third-party and we were already on our 2/3rd month together. Everything was perfect until a guy went to took her away from me. She started 2 timing me with him as priority. Until one day she told me that we cannot be together anymore as her heart is being captured by him. All the things i have done with her all vanished. Well thats only the first. After a week she came back to me, apologised and we go back tgt again. During our 3rd month, 1 day before our 4th monthsary, We broke up. AGAIN this time was more worse the before. I was already having depression and this made be blown into a much more severe depression. I suffered that until now. But just yesterday, she saw me at Century square, Hugged me from behind and told me this: "Rauf, I love you. Can we be together again? I broke up with him and i found out that you are the only one that i love. Please? I am sorry about the things that happened last time. Can you forgive me?"  At that time i was shocked and speechless. i slowly let go of her hands off me and said: " I will think about it."  And now i have no idea if i should go back to her or not :x i dont want to get hurt again. I love her but i cant trust her again... Sigh..

I have also been busy lately with projects, events and stuffs. I think thats all i have for now. Update later.

Love, Rauf
-Forever&Always <3

Can we be like this lovely couple?

I love you with all i had....

I just want be able to trust you again.

Second chances are there but not to take granted. 

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