HELP ME! ~ Rauf NikoLOLi ♥

Hey guys. Its me. Its like 3.27am right now and i am still not asleep. Not that i am overnighting or something. Its that i have been crying these whole time. Every night i cry and cry and cry. Wishing that things would be better. No more Jealousy. No more torture, No more pain. Just plain happiness. But i know its impossible to make all those gone. I have nowhere to go except to stay in my room and face the computer all day. I face the computer to get rid of all these shit that has happened so far. Some of you guys know i am having X sickness which requires me to be at least happy. But the truth is I am never happy. For those of you who have seen me happy/laughing, its all fake. I am sorry. I didnt mean to. The last time i was happy was when i was sec 1. From Sec 2 till now i am never happy. I am in all worries. Over-thinking, Thoughts of suicidal, cutting myself. To be honest. I give up on everything. Everything from gaming to programming from happiness to love. Everything. I lost hope. I lost.... Everything. I don't even know who i am anymore. I don't even know whats my purpose in this cruel world anymore. And why is everything against me? My friends and all. Everything is against me. Criticizing me. Making fun of me. Bullying me. Whatever they did i just absorb and absorb. Not letting go. People compliment me. I absorb. But mostly are criticizing me. Its rare that i get complimented. I don't have a heart anymore. I don't even have a soul. I am an empty human walking around aimlessly and absorbing things that happened around me. I just need something or someone to help me get back. The thing is who. I dont know who. I gave up on finding one. Sigh. Pathetic me. I am just useless.