HELP ME!

Hey guys. Its me. Its like 3.27am right now and i am still not asleep. Not that i am overnighting or something. Its that i have been crying these whole time. Every night i cry and cry and cry. Wishing that things would be better. No more Jealousy. No more torture, No more pain. Just plain happiness. But i know its impossible to make all those gone. I have nowhere to go except to stay in my room and face the computer all day. I face the computer to get rid of all these shit that has happened so far. Some of you guys know i am having X sickness which requires me to be at least happy. But the truth is I am never happy. For those of you who have seen me happy/laughing, its all fake. I am sorry. I didnt mean to. The last time i was happy was when i was sec 1. From Sec 2 till now i am never happy. I am in all worries. Over-thinking, Thoughts of suicidal, cutting myself. To be honest. I give up on everything. Everything from gaming to programming from happiness to love. Everything. I lost hope. I lost.... Everything. I don't even know who i am anymore. I don't even know whats my purpose in this cruel world anymore. And why is everything against me? My friends and all. Everything is against me. Criticizing me. Making fun of me. Bullying me. Whatever they did i just absorb and absorb. Not letting go. People compliment me. I absorb. But mostly are criticizing me. Its rare that i get complimented. I don't have a heart anymore. I don't even have a soul. I am an empty human walking around aimlessly and absorbing things that happened around me. I just need something or someone to help me get back. The thing is who. I dont know who. I gave up on finding one. Sigh. Pathetic me. I am just useless.

I hate my life :(

Goodbye everyone :'( 

Sigh..

PLEASE I NEED TO THINK HAPPY STUFFS! :(

its 3.27 when i started writing this

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What am i thinking right now.

Hi guys, i will now tell you what i am going to feel right now.

The window is open, i am living in the 13th floor. I went to the kitchen and look down the window. The views great. 12 levels till the ground. Great height. I took a deep breath. And put my leg on the ledge of the window. I sat there, looking at the opposite block. And also looked down the 12 floors down. I thought to myself. Should i? Its at night and no one can see. The kitchen light is also off so i am camouflaged. I thought and thought and thought. Half of me wanted to go back inside. The other half wanted me to end it all. As i was looking outside, i hallucinated a white figure asking me to jump. My friend texted me saying not to jump. I looked out of the window for another 10 minutes. And suddenly everything turned dark. Next thing i was on the floor. Bleeding from head to toe. I was smiling. Then i woke up, still at the window ledge, thinking to myself: " Yes or No?". Then suddenly my friend grabbed me from behind and drop me on the kitchen floor and punched me. Asking me to snap out of it.... I am still thinking, Should i jump or not?

I really need someone. Someone to snap it out of it and to end it all.

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Something that i would ever dare to say it out.

Sometimes there are thing that i don't dare say out. Things like i cry everyday. Some might ask. "Wait what? Rauf cry? "

The answer is Yes. I cry. I cry because i care too much, I cry because i am too angry, I cry because i am to open. I also cry because i love too much. Some might ask why you cry and how come i don't see you. The answer is i tend to hide my feelings from other people and cover them with fake feelings. No one knows what i am feeling most of the time. Whether i am happy or sad or even down. Cause most of the times i cover my feelings. I am scared of opening up my feelings. I am scared cause i might hurt those around me. I have hurt a lot of people around me and i don't want to hurt more people. When i hurt people i would cut myself off people who talk to me and cry for what i have done. Some would call me crybaby or whatsoever. i don't care. I cry to express my feelings. Only which feeling...

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Long time update + Questions people asked me before.

Hi guys, Its been long since i updated this blog. Sigh i know i have not been blogging much and its because i am busy. What have i been busy with? Well simple. School. Nothing else. Okay maybe a thing or two? Or three or four? I don't know. All i know is that i  have been busy. 

Some might ask, Busy? Why are you gaming when you say you are busy?

Well lets get back to that question later. Busy cause i have been programing c#, java, python, and all those other shits. 

Why have i been gaming? 

Well simply to say its a way for me to get rid of my social life and stuffs. I could be anything in the gaming world. Per se, i could be playing as an archer class. Killing mobs and joining guilds, or maybe being a warrior class and leading everyone. Whichever it is, its heaven to me. 

Heaven to what? 

Well heaven to escape from reality. Reality of not fitting anywhere, Reality of not being able to make myself useful, Reality from relationships. Reality form everything. 

What relationship problems? I thought you already have a Girlfriend? 

Well no. It was an on and off relationship and i couldn't be bothered by her attitude. And quite a couple of days ago, she went and confronted someone. Lets name that someone X. And my ex-girlfriend, Y. Well Y went to confront X cause she wanted to be with me. I didn't want to be back with Y. And i don't really want to know what both of them talked to each other all i know that i am supposed to "fight" her brother in order to settle this out. The deal was that Whoever wins gets me. I didn't want to trouble anyone so i went alone( Although i said i got people coming with me). I was enough to fight against them. So on that day, i went down to "ABC" place and fought 2 vs 1. I won cause i punched her brother hard till he beg me to stop. The other person did light damage to me. Guess he was a nice guy and thought that a 2 vs 1 was unfair. So technically i would go for the leader first, which i did. And won. From there on, Y left me alone. Hopefully that Y won't come back begging to me again. 

Why did you even steady with Y if you don't want her back?

Simple, I was stupid at that time and went to agreed to steady with her. So from there on, we went on and on and on. 

So what are your plans now?

Well simple. Game and Game and Game. There is nothing for me to do now. Except to game. There's this one person which i mention before somewhere in my previous post which is : "http://raufnikololi.blogspot.sg/2012/03/this-is-for-her.html"  Why do i game so much? I dont remember replying to her that. Well simply to say, I am bored of my life and there is nothing for me to do here. I have been hurt and hurt and hurt a lot of times. I started to care for a certain someone which i truly love. Well finally someone who i really love. I don't know how it happened i got hurt a lot because of it. Love hurts i know. But because i keep hurting myself, i chose to absorb the pain and just move on thinking that its just short crush and continue gaming. I really don't know anything about love. Well because of that also i am shy to continue it. Some of you might say its wasted. Well i say its regret. Regret that i let my shyness took over myself. Regret that i wish i could restart it all over again. Regret because its regret. 

I dont want to name anyone here. Cause i dont want to hurt them

too tired of life.

i regret everything and want to start  it all over again. 

when all hope is lost, game on.

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